they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
