You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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