Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
