1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Randomize
