I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
