atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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