ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize