Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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