Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
