it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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