It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
