why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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