He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
