I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
