just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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