either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
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