I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
i drank out of a bidet.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize