I am spending my child support on dildos
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
two words: eviction party
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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