matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Welp...herpes.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
