can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
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