Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
