Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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