Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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