Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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