i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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