I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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