Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
