I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
