the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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