Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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