I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
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