at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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