He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
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