i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
