y did u give ur computer a hand job?
wrigley field is MILF paradise
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
You made out with two different species that night
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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