just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
