Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
