I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
