We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
