Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
