I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize