if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
