so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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