So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Randomize
