I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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