I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
