I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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