I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
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