Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
