this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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