My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
