Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
