I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
