then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Ketchup is God's man juice
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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