the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
