Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize