my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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