my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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