Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
