I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
