it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
