just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
