On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
