i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
