we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize