I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Randomize
