I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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