Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
