I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
