I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
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