That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
