wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
