Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
