too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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