Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
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