Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
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