frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Randomize
