Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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