the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
