winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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